A Glimpse Into the Past

Up until a certain age, which I am so glad Liam has not reached yet, your children stop looking like your little baby when they sleep and start looking like kids. I just had to post this picture of my little baby sleeping with his stuffed dog Bailey (named after one of his many little doggie friends that have died in his short 4 years of life). He has never been one to have ONE toy that he can’t be without but he does have to have his stuffed animals surrounding him in bed but he rotates which he wants. I don’t really object because Mom has a picture of me with all of my dolls lined up on my pillow while I slept on the itty bitty doll pillow.

In addition to his cuteness factor when sleeping is the fact that he is the biggest wiggleworm and he maneuvers himself into the oddest positions. As a special treat, we let him fall asleep on the couch while we watched a movie and folded laundry the other night. When I got up, this is how he was laying.
And here is daddy asleep right next to him.

So much for having help with the laundry. :)

Death Does Not Become Me

JJ, Carson, and Liam

I am so sick and tired of driving to work scared to death that I am going to end up dead at worse or in a horrible accident at least. Why might this happen? That would be because the muscles around my eyes at times refuse to help me keep my eyes open. It is excruciating. I will have the music blaring and I will be shaking my head back and forth and sitting up straight and I will still be closing my eyes. It is scary as the dickens and today is bringing me to the point of tears. The sleep study I had 6 months ago showed nothing out of the ordinary with my sleep. The wonderful doctor I had before the sleep study is no longer working there since she had her baby and she was the one I loved because she seemed to really want to get to the root of my problem. Since my sleep study I have not been back because I started a new job after that and my amounts of sleep have dwindled. I try to get in bed by 10:00, 10:20 at the latest and I know even that is not good enough but it is impossible to get to bed any earlier. I would never get anything done. If I could just sleep until 6:30 I would be great. 6:30 is not that late. But I need to have been on the road for 30 minutes by that time and I can’t get to work later than 7:00 or I will not be able to get off at 4:00 to be with my beautiful son by 5:00. Even then I am only with him in body and not playing with him as I should because I am exhausted and trying to get things done around the house.

The dissatisfaction I have been feeling with my life came to a peak this weekend at our two day Circuit Assembly of Jehovah’s Witnesses where I found myself brought to tears again and again by the wonderful experiences and examples of people who have made the leap of faith to simplify their lives and work part time in order to serve Jehovah more fully in the ministry. I keep saying my main goal is to be able to finally pioneer one day but I don’t feel my actions in life back up that claim. I would give anything to be able to quit my job and tell my boss that I am sorry, it is nothing personal, I just have better things to do with my life than to help you build structures that will most likely be destroyed when Armageddon comes. I want to help build things that will last. Last night at the Kingdom Hall my mother-in-law said the sweetest thing. She said that if she could work longer hours so that I could pioneer than she would. Dear thing already works long enough hours at that crappy job of hers. At least I think it is crappy.

On to a lighter topic with an apology for venting in a negative way so much recently. I will try to reign it in.

Above is a picture of Liam with two of his bestest friends. JJ was Liam’s best friend before they ever even met. I remember when Liam used to sit in Grandma Morris’s lap and tell her that they were going on a trip through Texas and then on to California to see JJ. :D I will have more pictures on here from the Circuit Assembly tonight.

Liam in Bubbe's Lap Contently Drawing on his Thomas Board.

Here is Liam helping to clean our assigned area of the stage with Peyton and Carson. I absolutely love these two kids. They are such good kids who are both little parents themselves and are very spiritual minded. Peyton's aunt, Wendy, calls her a 35 year old in a 9 year old's body. I am just so glad that they have befriended Liam and hope that they continue to do so as he gets older.

Lost Dreams

I regularly read a blog of this magnificent woman I have never met. Today I was reading over one of her past posts that really resonated with me. So many dreams I have given up in my life without really pressing to make them a realization. The one that sticks out most in my mind is that growing up I always dreamed of going to Bethel. Living in Brooklyn with my full time job being that of furthering the worldwide preaching work in a unique and special way. I could not have asked for anything more. Alas, my life went off course and whereas I could not love my little son more than I do, I grieve for a life that I lost for myself and the leave of my mental senses that caused me to make the decisions that I did. I have since married the most wonderful man that grew from my friend to best friend to soulmate. I then discovered that his brother and sister-in-law are living the life that I always wanted. Serving at Patterson for the past three years. About a year ago we went to visit them and I was surprised and dismayed at the bitterness that rankled within me. To visit Bethel for the first time since the realization that my childhood dreams were futile was a rude awakening. Even now, as I write this, I am all teary.

I have since learned and grown to realize that all is not as rosy as it seems. I love my sister-in-law dearly and am saddened that her first two years at Patterson were not joyful ones because of being sick and not being able to pinpoint what it was that was making her so. I remember once having a conversation with her shortly after I got married and telling her that she was living the life I had always wanted. She was so sweet and talked to me about not envying her life as she looked highly upon mine. :) I am so happy that she has since been able to find out what ails her and is able to work towards making it easier to bear.

My brother and sister in law...don't they make an incredibly attractive couple?

This was right after she had "proposed" to him in sign language in the same spot he had proposed to her so that she could present him with a brand new wedding band to replace the one he had been wearing that was a hand-me-down. Awesome right?

Me and my new sisters...this was the Thanksgiving after I got married when I really got the chance to hang out with and get to know my sisters-in-law...and to love them.

There are so many dreams that we give up on or put on hold in our lives. Sometimes it is for unselfish reasons and sometimes it is out of fear. I also used to dream of becoming a full time photographer and my life choices have steered me further and further from that goal. I used to photograph about 20-30 weddings a year and now I usually photograph one per year. This is mainly my choice due to the fact that my weekends are precious to me. It is my time with my little family and my time to go out and preach to others about God’s Kingdom but I still love photography and mourn that I do not even do as much creatively as I used to. My life is crowded by the mundane: A lifeless job and housework. :P Too many times life ends up a vicious circle of catch 22s. I want to get my little photography and craft business off the ground so that I can quit and become a full time pioneer (full time minister of God’s Kingdom) but I cannot seem to get my shop off the ground without more time which I won’t have until I am able to quit my current full time which I cannot do until my shop gets off the ground….you see where I am going with this?

Anyway, I am not sure why I decided to get this deeply personal on an online blog but I just felt the need to get this out there. I would love to hear if any of the few people who may read this have any personal thoughts to share on dreams they have given up on and what they are trying to do to get them back on track.