Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Death Does Not Become Me

JJ, Carson, and Liam

I am so sick and tired of driving to work scared to death that I am going to end up dead at worse or in a horrible accident at least. Why might this happen? That would be because the muscles around my eyes at times refuse to help me keep my eyes open. It is excruciating. I will have the music blaring and I will be shaking my head back and forth and sitting up straight and I will still be closing my eyes. It is scary as the dickens and today is bringing me to the point of tears. The sleep study I had 6 months ago showed nothing out of the ordinary with my sleep. The wonderful doctor I had before the sleep study is no longer working there since she had her baby and she was the one I loved because she seemed to really want to get to the root of my problem. Since my sleep study I have not been back because I started a new job after that and my amounts of sleep have dwindled. I try to get in bed by 10:00, 10:20 at the latest and I know even that is not good enough but it is impossible to get to bed any earlier. I would never get anything done. If I could just sleep until 6:30 I would be great. 6:30 is not that late. But I need to have been on the road for 30 minutes by that time and I can’t get to work later than 7:00 or I will not be able to get off at 4:00 to be with my beautiful son by 5:00. Even then I am only with him in body and not playing with him as I should because I am exhausted and trying to get things done around the house.

The dissatisfaction I have been feeling with my life came to a peak this weekend at our two day Circuit Assembly of Jehovah’s Witnesses where I found myself brought to tears again and again by the wonderful experiences and examples of people who have made the leap of faith to simplify their lives and work part time in order to serve Jehovah more fully in the ministry. I keep saying my main goal is to be able to finally pioneer one day but I don’t feel my actions in life back up that claim. I would give anything to be able to quit my job and tell my boss that I am sorry, it is nothing personal, I just have better things to do with my life than to help you build structures that will most likely be destroyed when Armageddon comes. I want to help build things that will last. Last night at the Kingdom Hall my mother-in-law said the sweetest thing. She said that if she could work longer hours so that I could pioneer than she would. Dear thing already works long enough hours at that crappy job of hers. At least I think it is crappy.

On to a lighter topic with an apology for venting in a negative way so much recently. I will try to reign it in.

Above is a picture of Liam with two of his bestest friends. JJ was Liam’s best friend before they ever even met. I remember when Liam used to sit in Grandma Morris’s lap and tell her that they were going on a trip through Texas and then on to California to see JJ. :D I will have more pictures on here from the Circuit Assembly tonight.
Liam in Bubbe's Lap Contently Drawing on his Thomas Board.

Here is Liam helping to clean our assigned area of the stage with Peyton and Carson. I absolutely love these two kids. They are such good kids who are both little parents themselves and are very spiritual minded. Peyton's aunt, Wendy, calls her a 35 year old in a 9 year old's body. I am just so glad that they have befriended Liam and hope that they continue to do so as he gets older.

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