Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Lost Dreams

I regularly read a blog of this magnificent woman I have never met. Today I was reading over one of her past posts that really resonated with me. So many dreams I have given up in my life without really pressing to make them a realization. The one that sticks out most in my mind is that growing up I always dreamed of going to Bethel. Living in Brooklyn with my full time job being that of furthering the worldwide preaching work in a unique and special way. I could not have asked for anything more. Alas, my life went off course and whereas I could not love my little son more than I do, I grieve for a life that I lost for myself and the leave of my mental senses that caused me to make the decisions that I did. I have since married the most wonderful man that grew from my friend to best friend to soulmate. I then discovered that his brother and sister-in-law are living the life that I always wanted. Serving at Patterson for the past three years. About a year ago we went to visit them and I was surprised and dismayed at the bitterness that rankled within me. To visit Bethel for the first time since the realization that my childhood dreams were futile was a rude awakening. Even now, as I write this, I am all teary.

I have since learned and grown to realize that all is not as rosy as it seems. I love my sister-in-law dearly and am saddened that her first two years at Patterson were not joyful ones because of being sick and not being able to pinpoint what it was that was making her so. I remember once having a conversation with her shortly after I got married and telling her that she was living the life I had always wanted. She was so sweet and talked to me about not envying her life as she looked highly upon mine. :) I am so happy that she has since been able to find out what ails her and is able to work towards making it easier to bear.

My brother and sister in law...don't they make an incredibly attractive couple?

This was right after she had "proposed" to him in sign language in the same spot he had proposed to her so that she could present him with a brand new wedding band to replace the one he had been wearing that was a hand-me-down. Awesome right?

Me and my new sisters...this was the Thanksgiving after I got married when I really got the chance to hang out with and get to know my sisters-in-law...and to love them.

There are so many dreams that we give up on or put on hold in our lives. Sometimes it is for unselfish reasons and sometimes it is out of fear. I also used to dream of becoming a full time photographer and my life choices have steered me further and further from that goal. I used to photograph about 20-30 weddings a year and now I usually photograph one per year. This is mainly my choice due to the fact that my weekends are precious to me. It is my time with my little family and my time to go out and preach to others about God’s Kingdom but I still love photography and mourn that I do not even do as much creatively as I used to. My life is crowded by the mundane: A lifeless job and housework. :P Too many times life ends up a vicious circle of catch 22s. I want to get my little photography and craft business off the ground so that I can quit and become a full time pioneer (full time minister of God’s Kingdom) but I cannot seem to get my shop off the ground without more time which I won’t have until I am able to quit my current full time which I cannot do until my shop gets off the ground….you see where I am going with this?

Anyway, I am not sure why I decided to get this deeply personal on an online blog but I just felt the need to get this out there. I would love to hear if any of the few people who may read this have any personal thoughts to share on dreams they have given up on and what they are trying to do to get them back on track.

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