Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Reaching out through a mental fog

I have been in such a funk recently. I can’t seem to get out of it. I hate how I feel and I know that I am worrying my dear husband. I can’t concentrate on anything and my mind keeps firing off thoughts randomly that I can’t follow to completion. A million things can be getting done and I don’t want to do any of it…correction, I don’t have the motivation to do any of it. I want to wish it all done instantaneously and ::whoosh:: it’s done.

Spencer texted me this morning:

“We are doing a coffee shop called the human bean. I didn’t get it at first.”

What a cool name for a coffee shop.

I’m tempted to cut all my hair off again. I want to go to Cali (isn’t that a cool way of spelling that name…like California) and telling her what I am feeling and having her go at it. Except for the fact that I think that will make me even more unhappy with my fat face. That’s it. Starting today I am going on another sugar free sabbatical. I am announcing it on here so that I can actually stick to it. This time I am not getting any sugar free candy or ice cream as a crutch. Fruit…no sodas…and natural, harder to breakdown sugars like cane juice only occasionally like in my favorite teas.

So I am getting incredibly discouraged with all of my online endeavors because they do not seem to be going anywhere. I get next to no traffic in my shop or in my blog and I just don’t feel the love as I hoped that I would. I think my expectations may be too high. I wanted everything to take off right away reaffirming that I do have talent and people would appreciate that talent if only I got it out there for the world to see. In my head, I knew and know this to be unrealistic but my heart takes it personally.

I’m so excited that my sister-in-law is coming into town today although it is for a sad/sweet reason. Helping mom and pop-in-law move. It is going to be a busy next few weeks. It doesn’t seem real yet.

I have no idea what to get my in-laws for their anniversary coming up in July.

There are so many things that I am going to miss about my in-law’s house. The large inviting living room, the kick butt open kitchen, not to mention the kick butt upstairs shower, the pool that I never took enough advantage of, the amazing hydrangea bush by the back door. . .

Is this not the most beautiful Hydrangea. I absolutely love this flowering bush. It's fast becoming my favorite. {{Soon to be on sale in my shop for anyone who is interested}}

. . .because it is the hardiest most beautiful one I have ever seen…and the memories. I know that selling a house does not mean selling the memories, those are yours to keep, but it does mean selling all the future memories that won’t have the chance to be made there.

I felt the same way when Mom and Dad sold our home of almost 10 years on Lennox Drive. We moved into that 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home (not just a house) with an ailing grandfather, two teenage girls and the parents. By the time it was sold, only the parents were left. However, good reasons don’t take away the sadness.

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